Platonic Done Wrong
by writerspassion18
Summary: Theo and Hermione have been coworkers for two years, and they're great friends. However, their definition of friendship is horribly skewed. (tags: friendship, friends with benefits, co-workers, lust, some explicit language, some sexual content).
1. Desserts

Theo was convinced that he would grow up to be a blind, no teeth-having hunchback with permanent crease marks across his forehead. This was the consequence of researching for a living.

It wasn't Theo's fault that his parents had a well-stocked library in his childhood home. Granted, most old pureblood families had the same thing due to years of ancestors collecting the written word and passing it down. Aside from money, knowledge was power, and it was important to have. That was the mantra metaphorically beaten into Theo's head during his upbringing, and it was something that he couldn't shake. It was why while his friends had been wasting time in the common room or spending unnecessary hours in the Great Hall after eating, that he was alone in the library studying. It was why he had done _exceptionally_ well on his OWLs and his NEWTs , and why the Ministry was happy to have a bookworm like him in their Research Department.

The Research Department was massive, and it held several subsections annexed to other departments that would need a specific expertise. As Theo had many interests, he had his pick of the lot. Out of everything that he could have chosen, it was the research sector of Muggle Relations. His parents (hell, everyone) were baffled by his choice, but it was a logical one for Theo. Despite the wizarding world being its own successful bubble, it was just that. A bubble. It was an hidden speck of life operating in a world run by muggles -squibs too, if one truly knew the statistics of how often an occurrence actually happened. To continue to be successful, the wizarding world _needed_ to be aware of and understand everything that the muggles were up to. In conjunction with the Department of Muggle Relations, that's where Theo and his coworker came in.

Speaking of his coworker, she had suddenly disturbed his peace as she roughly opened (and slammed) the door to their shared office. Theo sat back in his chair as he watched her grumble angrily to herself as she threw down her bag and spring coat. She had yet to notice him, and Theo wondered if he should clear his throat to make his presence known. As it turned out, however, she had known he was there and promptly asked him a question once she had turned away from her desk.

"Am I unemotional?" Hermione asked. Theo's brows rose high on his head, and he leaned forward with his hands cupped on his desk.

"The definition of 'unemotional' is the lack of emotion. To be cold, not easily excited or aroused. You just came in here on the brink of exploding, so no, I wouldn't say that you're unemotional."

"In that case, I'm buying Nathaniel a dictionary." Hermione huffed and returned to her desk. Theo was laughing where he sat, and he leaned back in his chair again, this time gently swiveling left to right.

"I'm guessing that your date with Nathaniel erupted like an improperly brewed potion?" Theo probed. Hermione turned a hideous glare on him, and he refrained from laughing further. "Why did he say that you were unemotional?"

"He was offended when I said that I didn't know how to feel towards him. _Two_ dates, Theo. Two!" Hermione had finally collapsed onto her chair, and she was resting her head on the back it so that she could look up at the ceiling. "Obviously, I'm going to find you physically appealing if I agreed to go out with you in the beginning, but after that? I know _nothing_ about you. I'm going to spend the first few dates getting the facts about you, and _then_ , possibly, feelings will follow. That doesn't make me unemotional."

"Well, of course not," Theo agreed. "While 'unemotional' is probably an inappropriate term to begin with, all this makes you is logical when it comes to dating. There's nothing wrong with that."

"You would be the one to say that," Hermione replied, a small upturn of her lips present. She finally raised her head and looked over at the brown-haired man who wore reading glasses because his eyesight was shot to hell. "You approach dating the same way that I do."

"Pureblood ways, I'm afraid," Theo sighed flippantly. "You court for a purpose, nothing more."

Hermione rolled her eyes and finally sat upright. "That's really depressing, Theo."

"If you say so," Theo shrugged. He then smiled before making the proposal that had popped into his mind the moment Hermione had said her date had gone south. "Since you're free, dinner after work? Banana split with strawberries and a hint of lemon for dessert?"

"Alright," Hermione said with no hesitation. "I could use a treat."

* * *

Hermione liked working with Theo. They had begun working for the Research Department at the same time, and she had had absolutely no idea what to make of him. She had known _of_ him from Hogwarts, but even then the information that she had known was very little. Theo had been a Slytherin, he had made impressive marks to compete with hers, his father had been a Deatheater, but he didn't follow in his father's footsteps. That had been enough for Hermione to try to put her best foot forward and make working with the man a tolerable experience. Besides, school days were finished, and they were adults now. The time for childhood rivalries were over.

As it turned out, and as his academic reputation had alluded to, Theo was quite bright. He was a voracious reader, and he and Hermione could spend an eternity discussing the first chapter of a book. All in all, Theo was an excellent work companion, and after two years of sharing the same office, he was also a beautiful friend. They often brought one another breakfast in the mornings, and when their tasks took them pass the normal work day, they ordered dinner to arrive and laughed as they ate. It was a friendship different from any other that Hermione had, and she cherished it dearly.

"Dating is just so difficult," Hermione said as she sipped on her wine. Theo's was hovering near his lips, and he paused for a moment before giving a lazy shrug.

"Not necessarily. Dating itself is just a concept like… Here." Theo pushed his wine glass to the middle of the table and gestured towards it. "You have a wine glass. A simple object that you pour a liquid into, and you can drink from it. _I_ , on the other hand, can make it difficult by attempting to drink from the stem, or the bottom, or poking a hole through the glass and letting the wine drain out. _People_ make dating difficult."

Hermione tapped her fingers on the table during Theo's exposition. With a small smirk, she cheekily replied, "Lovely analogy. Are you telling me that I should date air?"

Theo laughed, tilting his head in a nonverbal "touché." "No. I'm telling you that until you find someone who won't complicate the process of dating, it'll always be a chore for you."

"Fan _tastic_ ," Hermione huffed. Theo shook his head at her attitude before pointing to the remains of her food.

"Finished?"

"Ages ago."

"You should've said so," Theo smiled. He hailed a waiter down and paid the bill so that the pair of them could leave.

The restaurant had a communal Floo, and so Theo and Hermione stepped into one and tumbled out into a well-decorated, sunken living room complete with a three-seater sofa, two armchairs and a glass coffee table. It sat on a large tan rug that obscured part of the hardwood floors. Hermione frowned.

"I thought we said no rugs?"

" _You_ said no rugs," Theo reminded as he loosened his tie. He looked over at her and grinned, "However, you don't live here, so I chose to buy it anyway."

"For Merlin's sake," Hermione chided as she slipped her shoes off. "It's a beautiful hardwood!"

"And it's a beautiful rug," Theo argued back. "I've spent many nights sitting on it, back to the armchair, and with a good book. Try it, and you'll change your mind."

With her coat slung over her arm and her bag and shoes in her hand, Hermione's brow was comically high as she contemplated his offer. "Perhaps."

Stubborn, but wonderfully so, Theo had to admit. He led the way pass the chairs and up the three steps into the foyer as he loosened each cufflink and stuffed them into his pocket. The foyer was unnecessarily large, but good for gatherings if he ever decided to host something. Granted, that was few and far between. He liked his solitude with occasional company and preferred to uncomplicate it with others.

"Are finished furnishing the foyer or no?"

Theo was a quarterways up the stairs and turned to find Hermione still on the ground floor. There was a brown marble stand on either side of the door with a flower-filled vase, paintings on the walls next to them, and a chandelier hanging from the ceiling.

Theo gave the room a once-over and pursed his lips. "Maybe? I haven't decided, honestly. Should I add something?"

"Hmm," Hermione mused as she also looked around. "Yes, but I don't know what. Let me think on it."

Theo gave her a nod and continued on his way. Despite the size of the foyer, the upstairs wasn't anything too ostentatious. Three bedrooms, an extra room for a study with his large book collection taking up the most room, and two bathrooms.

At the top of the landing, Theo let Hermione lead the way into the study, and he closed the door behind them. Even though Hermione wasn't looking at him, he just knew that she had the widest smile on her face. She loved this room.

"Do you have anything new?" She asked as she set her shoes in a corner and her bag and coat on a neighboring chair. Theo walked straight ahead and let his fingers dance across the spines of his books.

"Just one. It came yesterday, but I haven't had the chance to read it yet." Theo plucked a book off the shelf and presented it. Hermione was behind him with her blouse undone and her navy blue bra showing. She took the book from his hands and read the cover.

" _Muggle Medicine and Potion-Making: Where Magic Starts and Ends_ ," she read as she wriggled one arm out of her sleeve. "Oh, this should be a good one. I don't doubt that there's a chapter on witch doctors in here."

"Or herbal medicine for that matter. Let me take that for you," Theo offered. Hermione had freed herself of her blouse, and now it was in his hand. He set it with her other things and finally rid himself of his suit jacket and shirt. When he faced her again, he found the witch still standing where he left her, but flipping the book's pages.

"Are you planning on standing up?" Theo asked with a cross of his arms and a wry smirk. Hermione looked up briefly, rouge on her cheeks, but she didn't move and soon set her gaze back to the book.

"It's never stopped you before."

"Touché again. I really must stop arguing with you. Can I help?"

"Sure," Hermione replied and headed towards him. Theo was mildly amazed at how well she could navigate while her eyes scurried across the book's pages, but then again he was just as adept.

Hermione brought her back to him, and Theo slipped the zipper down on her skirt so that it could fall to the floor in a neat flop. Her underwear had a lacy quality to it, and he ran a finger across its seams.

"Is this a new set?"

Hermione looked over her shoulder in enthusiasm and closed the book. "You noticed!"

"Of course, I did. I notice everything about you."

Hermione finally ditched the book, and Theo was trying his best not to turn red. Instead, he shook off a shudder when Hermione's fingers grazed his stomach as she undid his pants.

"You see, when you say things like that I can't understand why you're still single."

Theo chuckled and stepped out of his pants and underwear on the floor. "Dating is difficult, remember?"

With a gentle prod he made Hermione turn away from him, and a swift flick unfastened her bra, while a quick pull let her underwear fall. She instinctively backed into him, and he hardened as he left his hand slip over Hermione's breasts, a gentle twist and pull to her nipples, and continued across her stomach to settle between her thighs.

" _People_ are difficult," Hermione corrected. She sharply took a breath as Theo's fingers grew busy with both speed and intensity. Her pleasure-filled whimper nearly drowned out his voice as he whispered, "Touché, yet again."

The moment Theo withdrew his hand, Hermione turned around in his arms and kissed him. A kiss between them was never purely sweet nor wild. It was an initial press of the lips, a centimeter break to return with open mouths and ready tongues, gentle bites of lip, some hard, all the while needing to breathe, but barely taking the time to.

The pair migrated from where they stood until they hit the couch and gracefully fell onto it. Theo briefly looked down at Hermione before once again bringing his mouth to hers and also slipping himself inside of her. He grunted when she wrapped her legs around his torso, pulling him in even further, and felt her smile against his lips.

Merlin only knew how many times they had defiled Theo's couch, or caused books to fall from their shelves, or, in general, made a mess. It was an interesting friendship that they shared, and they didn't question it. So long as neither was dating someone else, there would always be dinner with a side of dessert.

* * *

 **Author's note:** My first Theomione folks! Dipping my toes in with a one-shot that was inspired from every awkward relationship and questionable friendship you may see on TV. I also have to throw love towards "The Brightest Black" by Enigmaticrose4 as I call to memory a brief moment in one of her chapters that I don't want to mention for fear of spoilers although it isn't really one lol.

Enjoy :)


	2. Tickled

Sun rays were hitting Theo's face and waking him. He had absolutely no idea what time it was, but he knew that he wasn't late for work because Hermione would've shaken him awake by now. Regardless, it was thinking of the witch that finally caused him to open his eyes.

There was no weight on him, so he knew that she wasn't on the couch with him. A quick scan of the room found it empty, but Hermione's clothes were still where they'd been last night. Either she was walking around naked (which she's done before), or she had taken his shirt. Further inspection concluded that it was the latter, and Theo stretched as he wished that he could replay last night over.

Theo had been sexually starved. Hermione's two dates with Nathaniel had spanned across two and a half weeks, and that meant he couldn't so much as kiss her let alone sleep with her. Of course, he could have always gone out and hoped that his reserved, shy man exterior attracted a woman who was into that, but Theo hadn't reached the point of desperation yet. More than that, however, he preferred Hermione. She was a pleasant interlude and someone who he could wake up next to without any awkwardness. It probably helped that they could compartmentalize well. They turned to each other for sexual release, no attachment, and no feelings beyond that of their friendship. He would miss her when she was no longer single, but until then they would continue to have moments like last night.

Theo got up from the couch, pulled on his pants from yesterday, and went in search of the brunette. Sometimes she raided his kitchen, but he didn't smell any food so she couldn't be there. His shower wasn't running so she wasn't there either. In the end, Theo found the witch in his living room. The book he had shown her was in her hands, and she was sitting on the floor, the rug to be precise, with her back against the armchair.

Theo felt a victory in his grasp and walked over to the archway that led to the living room. "Do you like the rug now?"

Hermione looked over at Theo briefly, but she was totally unfazed. With the lazy turn of a page she answered, "To sit on, yes, but for it to be at the expense of the hardwood, absolutely not."

"I swear," Theo shook his head. "There's no pleasing you."

"Oh, we both know that's not true," Hermione laughed. She pulled aside the collar of his shirt she was wearing to reveal a bruise at the base of her neck. "This mark says otherwise."

"How about I just tattoo the word 'touché' on my chest?"

"So that you can flash me every time that you're wrong? You'd lose your decorum."

Theo chose not to verbally give her a match point, and instead checked the clock on the wall to his right. "We're going to be late if we don't start to get ready. Are you getting dressed here?"

"No, I think I'll head home. If I stay we'll _definitely_ be late," Hermione replied as she closed the book, stood, and headed straight for the fireplace. All Theo could think was there went another one of his shirts to go missing in the woman's closet. She must've had at least six or more by now. "Bring my handbag and coat with you, yes?"

Theo tilted his head in agreement and watched Hermione disappear among the Floo flames. He had gone no more than five steps before hearing his fireplace activate again. He thought that Hermione has forgotten something that she needed, but it turned out not to be her.

Blaise dusted off the soot from his shoulders and opened his mouth, preparing to bellow for the owner of the home. Theo stopped him with a call of his name, and Blaise snapped his mouth shut. He observed Theo's disheveled hair, randomly placed love marks, and smiled wickedly.

"Is she still here?"

"Breakfast?" Theo deflected and turned on his heel to head to the kitchen. Blaise's footsteps echoed across the foyer as they both went down the hallway straight ahead and made the curt left into the kitchen.

"I may love food, but you're not going to distract me that easily," Blaise warned. "And don't be stingy with the petals."

Theo rolled his eyes as he reopened the tin where he kept fresh rose petals and added a few more into Blaise's cup. Theo, on the other hand, was opting for lavender.

"So?" Blaise urged. "Are you finally going to come clean? Far too often I come over to find you flying higher than a hippogriff, and I'm in desperate need of a visual."

"Desperate?" Theo repeated with a cocked brow. "Striking out at your usual haunts then, yes?"

"Unfortunately, and I've been going mad. Help a man out then, yeah?"

"I'd love to, but I don't kiss and tell. Even if she has the best arse you could ever hold onto," Theo teased as he passed Blaise his cup of rose tea.

"Best eh?" Blaise repeated with a slight curl to his lips. "And have I seen this arse before?"

"Nice follow-up question, but I'm not saying anything else other than that. Now, do you want to eat or not?"

"Yes, yes, no need to starve me."

Theo shook his head as he quickly put together toast and eggs considering that he still had to shower and get dressed if he wanted to get to work at a reasonable hour. The conversation steered clear of Theo's sexual activities and to more wholesome topics like Quidditch and the Minister's Ball that, as Ministry employees, they were obligated to attend. After a half an hour of eating and chatting, Theo bid farewell to Blaise from the foyer and began to head upstairs. He had ignored the Floo flames, figuring that Blaise had gone, but then paused when he heard Hermione's voice.

"Theo! I think my purple blouse is in your…closet." Hermione's voice trailed once she realized that the man in the middle of the living room was _not_ Theo. She found the man that she was looking for sheepishly coming into view from the foyer, and she instinctively tried to position her hands over her neck and chest so that the blemishes she'd yet to use a Glamour Charm for could be covered. Unfortunately, she was more than certain that Blaise had seen, and her casual appearance in Theo's home couldn't be ignored either.

"Blaise," Hermione acknowledged, "good to see you. Um, Theo," she addressed to him in the background. "I'll make do without it. See you at work."

"Sure. Can you get started on the Giggletree flower without me? I might be a bit late."

Hermione's gaze flashed from Theo to Blaise whose face was the very depiction of being at a loss for words. "Absolutely. We can go over what I find when you come in."

Hermione took a scoop of Floo Powder from the fireplace's mantle and disappeared back to her home. Theo's attention was now on the man who had a finger raised, gesturing from the fireplace to Theo and back again repeatedly. It was actually quite comical to see the wheels turning in Blaise's head, and even more so when he reached his _eureka!_ moment.

Although, Theo wished Blaised could have expressed it better.

"You've been fucking _Granger_?"

"Of all the vocabulary that you could've used, you go with 'fucking?'" Theo asked with a sigh and a tilted head. "Classy, Blaise."

"Excuse me, but my vocabulary is impeccable," Blaise huffed with a raised chin. "It just so happens that 'fucking' is the only word to properly express my surprise in learning _who_ you've been fucking."

"Can we please stop saying 'fucking?'"

"Fine," Blaise replied with a cheeky grin. "Has it always been Granger you've been _having intercourse_ with?"

Theo refrained from a heavy eye roll as he nodded. "Yes, and we'd appreciate if you didn't mention it to anyone."

"Of course not. It's against Ministry policy to fuck—"

" _Blaise_."

"—sleep with your coworkers," Blaise amended, hardly sorry at all for the swear. "Now, don't mistake my next question for condemnation, because I applaud the both of you, but why do it if it could cost you your jobs?"

"The policy is fairly recent. It's a bit hard to stop something so suddenly that you've been doing for months," Theo said with a shrug. That, however, was an awful mistake because he could see Blaise's thought process going again.

" _Months?_ Merlin, how long have you been with her?"

"Last year sometime?" Theo asked rather than declared with a scratch of his head. "I honestly can't quite remember. Also, we're not together. We just like to have sex from time to time in between the people that we date."

"Oh, is that all?" Blaise playfully mocked. "What a beautiful arrangement the two of you have."

"It has its positives," Theo smiled broadly. "Now, go on. I'm late for work already."

"As you say, Mr. Nott. And no hanky-panky in the office!"

" _Goodbye_ , Blaise."

* * *

The Giggletree flower was indigenous to India and was a beautiful plant. It was purple with yellow outlining the edges of each petal. If a wizard ate it, it would cause uncontrollable (but temporary) laughter, hence the name. It wasn't dangerous, and it was often a topping on some foods for festive affairs. It was interesting, though, that if the Giggletree flower was eaten by a muggle it triggered a manic episode. There had been a spike in psychiatric visits by muggles having such episodes, and Aurors are convinced that someone has been giving the Giggletree flower to muggles on purpose. While they were working on finding out who and why, Hermione and Theo's job was to work with the Research Department in India to try to come up with an antidote to the flower as muggle medicine has been unable to return the affected to their normal state.

Despite having a lot riding on this, Hermione was having trouble concentrating. It wasn't that she was ashamed of her and Theo's exploits. What had started out as a mutual decision to spend one lonely Valentine's Day night together had turned into a comfortable routine. At most they slept together or engaged in oral acts upwards to three times a week when they weren't actively dating. Although, considering the times that they went on dates were far fewer than either liked to mention, their sex count was rather high.

Had Hermione entertained the idea of skipping the whole dating thing and just staying with Theo? Yes, briefly. He was smart and witty, charming in a shy way, and thoughtful. They could hold a conversation for hours, and it was always the best when those conversations were held in his kitchen surrounded by food. The idea of a possible relationship had come and gone as quick as a breeze due to the Ministry's fraternization policy that they had enacted close to the end of summer last year. It was April now, and their secret liaisons had been accidentally revealed. No, she didn't think that Blaise would tell anyone, but he had a way of being too obvious sometimes and the man _loved_ to gossip. He could very well spill the beans entirely without meaning to, and that would be a disaster.

Hermione sighed deeply just as the door to the workroom opened. She didn't even give Theo the chance to say hello before she addressed him.

"What did Blaise say?"

Ever rational and logical, no one was free from emotions and worry, Theo thought to himself. What the hell was Nathaniel thinking?

"He's absolutely tickled by the idea of us sleeping together," Theo replied honestly and took a moment to shut the door behind him.

"Why am I not surprised?" Hermione tutted with a shake of her head. "The man's a voyeur. He'd watch us if he could."

Theo opened his mouth for a rebuttal, but closed it when he realized that she was right. Instead, he moved to stand at the opposite end of her and of the Giggletree flower on the examining table.

"He won't tell anyone," Theo said. "He'll probably make lewd remarks though. Sorry in advance."

"Make it up to me in advance," Hermione smiled. "What are you doing tonight? I have dinner with Harry and Ron, but after that I have nothing."

"Draco's back from his anniversary trip, so we're off to the pub for a Friday night round as usual. I can come by after. That alright?"

"Perfect. And don't forget to bring that book on magic and muggle medicine. I had gotten to a particularly interesting part about medicinal herbs."

* * *

 **Author's note :** HI! While class isn't in session I'm trying to update _everything_ lol. Now, I'd love for this to be a short story, but I'm never good at that, so let's see :).

-WP


	3. Dinner Plans

Theo and Draco had had a standing date with the drink every Friday, seven p.m., for the last six years. It had been interrupted when Draco and Astoria went to Greece for two weeks for their two-year wedding anniversary, but now they were right on track. Always early, Draco was sitting at a booth with a bottle of Dragon's Breath and two short glasses.

"I almost didn't recognize you, mate," Theo said as he neared the table. "You actually gained some color."

"Normally I'd take a shot at you for that, but you're right," Draco chuckled. He got up for a moment to give Theo a brief hug and then both men got down to business.

"How was Greece?"

"Beautiful." Draco poured the liquor to the very top of their glasses, sloshing his a bit as he raised it to his mouth. "We stuffed ourselves rather ungracefully with food, toured the town, and the beaches were magnificent."

"Sounds like you had a good time," Theo grinned.

"Better than that." Draco leaned forward in his seat a bit, urging Theo to do the same. "Astoria told me that I'm going to be a father."

"You're kidding… Congratulations! Merlin, what are we drinking _this_ for then?" Theo gestured to the bottle of Dragon's Breath. "We need something a bit more expensive to celebrate. Although, I am slightly terrified for the world at large for a little Malfoy like you."

"You and me both," Draco chuckled. "Hopefully, he or she will be more like Astoria."

"I'll drink to that," Theo agreed as he signaled the bartender over. Draco sat back and watched him order something "a bit more expensive," and waited until the bottle was on the table and poured into long-stemmed champagne glasses. It wasn't until after they had both taken healthy, delicious sips that Draco got the gears moving on the conversation again.

"Astoria is throwing a small dinner next weekend to celebrate. You'll come, yes?"

"That's not even a question," Theo smiled broadly, but he felt the muscles in his cheeks wanting to falter as he noticed his friend fidget. It wasn't a very noticeable action, but you didn't do justice to the name of Slytherin by being oblivious. It also didn't help that Draco was his friend. The man's tells were blaringly hard to ignore. In this case, it was the way that he constantly rubbed the tips of his middle finger and thumb together.

"You have something else to tell me, don't you?" Theo pressed. Draco had been lost in his own little world for a moment, but Theo's voice brought it back. "I'm not going to like it, am I?"

With tinged cheeks, Draco straightened up in his seat and casually raised one shoulder. "Well, you're not going to _hate_ it. Perhaps find it a bit cumbersome, but…"

Theo sighed, already fearing what the blond was going to ask, and gulped down the rest of his liquor in an unwise decision. "Alright, what is it?"

"Indulge Astoria's matchmaking skills at dinner."

"Ah, that again, I see," Theo chuckled as he reached for the champagne bottle to refill his glass. "Your wife never quits, does she?"

"Not really, no," Draco replied with a quirk of his lips. "She loves her sister dearly, thinks of you as a brother, and figures that the two of you will be, and I quote, a _beautiful_ match."

"Well, Daphne certainly isn't _un_ attractive…"

"What's the problem then? It's not like you're dating anyone at the moment."

Theo's eyes instantly dropped to the table, guilt bubbling from the pit of his stomach, although it had no business doing so. He thought that he could cover his slip by raising his glass to his lips, but unfortunately Draco was just as adept at reading body language as Theo was.

" _Are you?_ " Draco asked, a suspicion-laced gaze directed at Theo.

"No," Theo answered quickly, perhaps _too_ quickly, but it was an honest answer just the same. "However, there's a reason why courting practices usually involve two people who don't know each other well."

"Courting practices," Draco repeated with an obvious distaste. "Are you really going to adhere to all of that tripe? I didn't, and if I had I'd be married to some witch from Wales with the most dreadful laugh I've ever heard in my life."

A cross between a Hippogriff's screech and the scream of a Mandrake, yes, Theo remembered Draco's prospect well. The blond had promptly dismissed the witch as soon as that tidbit was found out, and he decided that he had had enough of his parents' meddling and would do things his way. Considering that Astoria was a lovely woman, it had turned out well for him.

"It's only 'tripe' because you got the short end of the stick," Theo pointed out. "Not to mention we both know that once you came of age you weren't exactly the poster child for all things pureblood rules and etiquette —sauf the manners."

Draco snorted, although he didn't deny it. He took a healthy swig from his champagne and urged him with a tilt of his head. "And _you_ are?"

"Absolutely not," Theo chuckled. "There are just some things that I prefer more than others, hence my original thought on the matter of dating. With a stranger, there's less at stake. With someone you know fairly well already, things could go wrong and the repercussions—"

"Hang on there," Draco interrupted with a joyous laugh. "Are you implying that you're afraid my wife is going to do something to you if you screw things up with Daphne?"

"Excuse me?" Theo choked. "How did you come to that conclusion from what I just said?"

"I don't see you denying it," the blond smirked. Theo rolled his eyes and chugged his champagne for the second time, instantly regretting not savoring it.

"I'm _not_ afraid of your wife. Dating your friends and acquaintances are a recipe for disaster. End of story."

"So is getting hexed by an angry witch, which, I promise, Astoria won't do. Just humor my wife, yeah?"

"Fine," Theo reluctantly agreed, and then thanked the bartender for bringing over yet another bottle of champagne. He needed anything at the moment to wipe out this conversation from his memory.

* * *

Dinner with friends was always a good way to spend the afternoon. It was filled with laughs, playful jabs at one another, and retellings of moments from their childhood. Hermione spent nearly three hours with Harry and Ron at a restaurant near the latter's flat before finally heading home. She had half expected to find Theo already there, sitting on her couch with a book or helping himself to whatever was in her kitchen. She was surprised to find neither situation in the works and frowned.

"Must be fully hammered if he's not here yet," Hermione said to herself. With an internal sigh, she heeled off her shoes, dumped her handbag and light jacket onto the couch, and headed towards her bedroom. She stopped dead when she found Theo in her bed. He wasn't awake, and he had stripped himself of his clothing and climbed under the covers. Her only conclusion was that he had intended on waiting for her and offer an amorous welcome. However much he had had to drink, though, had clearly won.

She shook her head at the display and took her time in disrobing and tossing the clothes she had worn for the day in a nearby laundry basket. Her top right drawer held all of her nightwear, and she analyzed it for a moment, noting that it was mostly oversized t-shirts, pajama sets consisting of both shorts and long pants, and _one_ silk negligee. The latter had been a Valentine's Day gift from the very man who was passed out in her bed after she had vehemently railed on how much she hated such things. The words _"Give it a try,"_ had been written on the card, and the only reason she did it was because he had chosen something equally demure and flattering.

Hermione slipped the negligee on and headed to bed. She paused for a moment to just stare at Theo, her comforter pulled in such a way that it covered his pelvis, but left his upper torso and legs from his thighs down exposed. He had clearly put thought into how he wanted her to find him, and while other women may have found it sweet, she, on the other hand, was trying her best not to laugh. It was the very depiction of cringe, and Theo knew that. While he preferred not to push her buttons, he often fondled them the only way an uptight, pureblood aristocrat could accomplish —a title that he didn't embody in his day-to-day, but could pick up in a flash when the situation required him to. It was…interesting, to say the least.

Hermione climbed on top of the bed and stretched over Theo in order to reposition her comforter so that it covered him properly. She found herself squealing three seconds in as Theo's right arm curled around her body and forced her to crash on him in a not-so-sexy manner.

"Those happened to be precious bits you've just crushed," Theo groaned. Hermione rolled her eyes at his complaint and moved her comforter off of him before gently sliding her hand over his crotch.

"Better?" she asked. A twist in Theo's mouth was her answer before he murmured a soft affirmation. He was so easily taken by the tiniest ministrations, and for that Hermione was grateful. She had experienced rather…hard to please men in the past, and it often left her feeling inadequate when things didn't go as smoothly as they did with Theo.

"You smell like champagne," Hermione added after a short while. Her head lay on Theo's chest while her hand remained busy. His reply was muffled —a mingle of unintelligible words and trapped air in his throat. She assumed that somewhere between euphoria and asphyxiation there was an answer, but she hadn't been looking for one in the first place. She merely closed her eyes and kept her attention on what she felt. The length of him, his warmth, the gentle pulse against her hand, and the shape of his tip. It wasn't long before her hand was covered in that familiar white sheen, and in an impulsive decision she licked his shaft before doing the same with the tips of her fingers and wiping the rest on her comforter.

Hermione lay on her back with a happy sigh before turning her head to the left to find Theo already looking at her.

"That was a hell of a way to sober me."

"Tell that to your eyes. You look like you downed two bottles of…?"

"Bollinger," he replied. "We were celebrating. Draco's going to be a father."

"Congrats to him," Hermione smiled. "His kid is going to be spoiled rotten."

"Naturally." Theo found himself grinning at the thought before the curves of his mouth began to tug downwards. He made sure to face the ceiling before the full change in his visage could be noticed, although he doubted that he had done a good job of it. "They're having a dinner —Draco and Astoria. Despite the festiveness of the affair, it's going to be painstaking."

"Painstaking? Why?"

"Daphne's going to be there."

"Oh." Hermione was quite familiar with that story. Daphne traveled a lot for work, but whenever she was in England Astoria did her best to try to get her and Theo in the same room. Not that it was a horrific experience (Theo's words), but he could never bring himself to see her as more than a friend.

"You know, you _could_ tell Astoria that you don't want to date her."

"I know, I just… It would hurt her feelings," Theo mumbled. "Both of them."

"Oh, Theo," Hermione smiled softly. "You have a pure heart, you know that?"

"I do. It's going to ruin me one day," he laughed. He finally turned his head towards her again and found her getting comfortable in her signature "time for bed" pose. It consisted of fluffing her pillow and keeping one hand underneath it.

"You're going to sleep?"

Hermione, who had just closed her eyes, popped one open. "Drunk sex is awful sex, Theo." She closed it back and snuggled into her bed, but she was disturbed by the warmth of Theo's body encroaching upon her space.

"It's only awful if you do it wrong."

Laughing, Hermione opened both eyes this time, pushed herself up and kissed Theo on the lips. She didn't linger, however, and she pushed him away with a gentle hand on his chest and gave a half-smile at his disgruntled grunt.

" _Sleep_ , Mr. Nott." She paused for a moment and looked down at his very active cock before chuckling. "You too."

* * *

Theo had intended on dressing from Hermione's flat the next morning, but then he realized that although the witch had stolen a handful of his shirts, pants weren't included. He ended up heading home and immediately heard a swear come from his kitchen. There was only one man he knew who had such an atrocious vocabulary, and Theo sighed before heading straight into the room where he'd find the intruder.

"What did you do to yourself?" Theo asked when he entered.

"Hot kettle, fingertips on fire, no big deal," Blaise grimaced as he waved his hand around. He had a cup on the counter and Theo's tin filled with rose petals open next to it. The man threw a couple in (probably more than necessary) and also reached for a second cup to do the same. The petals didn't fall from his hand, however, and he gave a side glance to Theo.

"A night with your witch, I assume?"

"Why so interested?"

"If it's about sex, I'm _always_ interested," he admitted, finally letting those rose petals fill Theo's cup.

 _Yes, Hermione was definitely right…_ Theo thought to himself. With a shake of his head, he took it upon himself to fill his and Blaise's cups with water and sat down at his kitchen counter. Blaise was still expecting an answer, but Theo thought it comical to absentmindedly stir sugar into his tea and watch his friend from his periphery die in anticipation.

"We _slept_ , Blaise," Theo half lied as he brought his tea to his lips. Drunk or not, he still had a vivid memory of Hermione's hand around his cock. Merlin bless the witch. "Contrary to whatever preconceived notions you have about Hermione and me, we're not always naked when we're with each other."

"Pity," Blaise sighed, and Theo very nearly slapped the palm of his hand to his forehead. "Alright, fine, on to other matters then. Draco tell you about the pending mini-me that's going to plague the earth in a couple months?"

"What a touching way of putting that," Theo chuckled. "And yes, he did. Are you going to the dinner?"

"Wouldn't miss it. Especially if Astoria plans on her matchmaking skills yet again."

"Oh, hell," Theo grumbled, "why do you insist on seeing me tortured?"

"Because it's absolutely hysterical," Blaise laughed. He sipped his tea happily, although Theo was quite sure it wasn't the tea that was making him so giddy. "Considering your preoccupation with a certain G-spot," he paused, waiting for Theo's reaction, and continued once he had been properly flipped off, "it would make the evening quite entertaining. It would be even more so if the lovely Miss Granger was in attendance."

"Absolutely not. I'm not inviting her just so that she can be a source of entertainment for you."

"Fine, if you won't do it, I will."

Theo nearly dropped his teacup. Instead, he calmly set it down while his eyebrows neatly knitted themselves together. "I'm sorry?"

"Right now, this is a two on two on one dinner affair," Blaise explained. "It's only right if I invite someone. Besides, Granger's hung out with all of us before. It wouldn't be too far of a stretch."

"Sure," Theo scoffed. "You get Hermione to go with you and I'm swearing off sex for a month."

"Bold bet, Mr. Nott," Blaise stuck out his hand and nodded to it. "Shake on it then?"

Theo rolled his eyes before setting his hand in Blaise's. "Fine. Can we talk about something _completely_ different now?"

"Yes, yes, okay. You've already handed your sex life over on a silver platter."

* * *

 **Author's note:** Blaise is going to play a bigger role in this fic than I originally intended lol. Stay tuned :)

-WP


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